Picture Perfect - Making It Personal

Making It Personal

Allow your teen to see how you strive to grow so they can understand how to confront their own limitations and pursue character and faith.

LESS THAN PERFECT

By Sarah Anderson

I am not a perfectionist. One look in my closet, will tell you this is true. My husband isn’t either—except when it comes to cooking. He is a perfectionist with his food. I lucked out on this one. But for me, I am not sure there is something that I do that would categorize me as a perfectionist. At least this is what I thought until I had my son. Once he catapulted into my world, my perfectionist tendencies rose to the surface. It turns out I have some of it in me. And it shows itself in the way I parent.

I want to be perfect. Can you relate? I want to be the best mom—not just the best mom for Asher, but the best mom ever. I want to parent in a way that everyone around watches in wonder. I want the impossible dream—for Asher and for myself. And I want it because somewhere along the way I started to believe that perfection was what Asher needed from me. I started to think that if I only gave it all I had, if I only went above and beyond, if I only exceeded every expectation ever placed on me and every hope, voiced or not, then, I would be a success.

Maybe this story is something like your own. Maybe the day your little bundle of joy was placed in your arms you suddenly had the impression that you had to muster up every ounce of effort you could to be all this baby hoped you could be. And maybe you have spent every day since trying to live up to the expectations which you, and you think your child, have put on yourself. And I have to wonder, since I am still so early on in the journey myself, and you are a bit further along, how is it working for you? Because, in all honesty, it isn’t working out that well for me.

Perfection is hard. Perfection is exhausting. Perfection is a siren song that lures the most reasonable of people into the belief that it is attainable. But, I don’t think I am stepping out on a limb here when I confess, it hasn’t exactly gone as I planned. I am not a perfect parent. In fact, I am far from it—embarrassingly far from it. And I am afraid any near confession of this is an admittance of failure—failure in a role that is “supposed” to come so easily, so naturally, so effortlessly—a role that more times than I like to admit, is simply none of those things—not easy, not natural, and not effortless.

And on the nights when I am hardest on myself, I lay my head on my pillow and think Asher just may be ruined forever. Until I remember . . . five months after my son was born, my mom came to visit. And while visiting, in a conversation I don’t remember starting, and I can’t recall ending, my mom said this to me: “If I had the chance to do it all over again, if I had the chance to parent all over again, I would, and I would do it differently this time.” It was a confession—transparent and raw in its honesty. And in that one line, I can remember feeling a release from the pressure and the burden perfection can put on us as parents.

See, I knew (as our children know of us) that my parents were not perfect. And I also knew that to demand perfection from them, even if it was something I subconsciously did, was not what I really needed or craved from them. Perfection is neither what I required or desired as a kid. What I wanted, what I yearned for, I got in the confession from my mom, after I myself had passed through the one-way only doors of parenthood. What I longed for I got in a succinct and truthful line that told me that my mom knew she hadn’t done it perfectly. But she did what she could. And this rare glimpse into her heart told me all I needed to know. My mom and I, my mom and her daughter, are not all that different. We are human. We are broken. We are fumbling through life the best we know how, and it is in our sameness that we find what we need. Honesty. Transparency. Vulnerability. And as a result the bond between us is stronger than ever before.

And so the moral of the story is maybe not exactly what we thought. The moral is our kids may need less perfection from us and more honesty. They need less of a guise appearing to have it all together and more candor, more sincerity—anything that communicates to them we may have more things in common with one another than not. And this is a beautiful thing to have between parent and child—a shared experience, a shared openness, a shared understanding that we don’t have it all together, as much as we would like to think we do.

I understood, in hearing my mom’s confession, that what kids may need from their parents is not very complicated. It will cost us something—our pride, our image of faultlessness. But here is the thing—I think it is a worthy penance for what we get in return. I am willing to give up the quest for perfection, because the journey towards humility and transparency offers more to my son than excellence ever could. SO from now on, instead of being “a wonder parent,” I think I will work more on being an available parent. A sincere parent. A candid parent. It means I will say I am sorry. It means I will admit my faults. It means I will confess when I get it wrong and request grace when I need it.

Some day, decades from now, when Asher himself becomes a parent, I know there will be moments I will look back on and wish I had done differently. I know there will be regrets. And that’s okay. The point is to confess the regrets when they come up. Admit them. Own them. Allow my imperfection to be seen through them. And hope that my honesty in those moments will build and strengthen the bond between my son and me.

© 2011 Orange. All rights reserved.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.com.

ANNOUNCEMENTS -

PARENT NIGHT @ REVOLUTION ONE80

Next week February 24 - All parents are invited to join us for the whole Revolution ONE80 service from 6:30-8:30 p.m as we conclude our Picture Perfect series.

NO REVOLUTION ONE80 - March 3

The CLC staff will be at a leadership conference this week so we will not have group.

GLEANINGS FOR THE HUNGRY - July 3-8

Sign up by March 15

Cost - $120

Picture Perfect - Series Overview

WHAT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT:

Here is an overview of what we’re talking about. Listed below the summary is a parent cue to help you dialog with your child about the session. The question is intended not just to be asked by you, but to be responded to by BOTH of you. Use this opportunity to find out what God is teaching your child, and allow your child to see what God is teaching you as well.

Picture Perfect:

Series Overview

You’ve seen their shiny, happy faces staring at you from picture frames, magazine ads and commercials. They are the perfect family. Every tooth sparkles. Every face beams with joy. And they seem to have everything you don’t. But the reality is, well they aren’t real. In fact it’s an illusion. There’s no such thing as a picture perfect family. Families are made up of imperfect people—people like you and me. So how do we live and interact with the family God has placed us in? How do we find a way to be a part of it, instead of just surviving and living for the day when we move on? Because no family is perfect. And no person is either.

Session One: Snapshot (February 3)

Does it ever feel like there are families who are more “perfect” than yours? They dress better. Have a nicer house. Never seem to have a disagreement of any kind. But when we see these families, we’re not seeing the full picture; we’re simply seeing a snapshot. If we actually lived in that family and dealt with each person on a daily basis, we would probably realize that the perfect family is, well, a myth. The truth is that no family is perfect. We are all just human, and when we realize that we can live in the messiness of our families and learn to find the good, we begin to understand the purpose God has in placing us in our particular family.

Session One Parent Cue: Have you ever thought a family was “perfect,” only to find out how “normal” they were as you got to know them? Did you ever wish you were part of a different family growing up? Why?

Session Two: Resolution (February 10)

A verbal shot is fired and our gut tells us to fire back. That word, that attitude from someone else hurt us or made us mad, so we want to give some of that back. Been there? How often do we quickly react to something a sibling or parent does or says in a way that raises the level of tension and anger instead of diffusing it? But there is another option! We can choose to stop the madness and think through our words and actions. We can begin to see more clearly that when something provokes us, we have a choice to make before we respond. We can be part of the resolution instead of part of the problem.

Session Two Parent Cue: Take a recent argument or “loud discussion” you had. Write down what prompted the conversation, then write down each of your responses. Now backtrack and each of you identify the decisions you made that prompted your responses. Maybe you reacted to how something was said, or one word set you off. Maybe you responded out of fear of what could happen.

Session Three: Wide-Angle (February 17)

No matter where you go or what you do with your life, your family will always be a part of it. Whether it’s through past memories or current gatherings, your family and how you relate to each other will affect you. While you will be independent and able to make your own decisions someday, your family will always play some sort of role in your life. The seeds you sow now for harmony, understanding and wholeness can go a long way towards the future growth of healthy family relationships.

Session Three Parent Cue: (For parent) What type of seeds did you sow in your relationship with your parents that may affect how you relate to them now? What do you wish you would have done differently? What were you glad you did?

Family XP Week (February 24) - PARENTS INVITED!!!!!!!!!!

Get into the Rhythm this New Year

WHAT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT:

Here is an overview of what we’re talking about in our new series "Rhythm" to open the New Year. Listed below the summary is a “parent cue” to help you dialog with your child about the session. The question is intended not just to be asked by you, but to be responded to by BOTH of you. Use this opportunity to find out what God is teaching your child, and allow your child to see what God is teaching you as well.

Rhythm:

Series Overview

Have you ever noticed how connected everything is? It’s almost as if there was some type of unseen structure to all of life, a rhythm. Many of us are oblivious to it until things are out of sync. We know something is wrong, and we can maybe pinpoint a few things around us that are culprits, but deep down we know there is something more going on. We are out of rhythm—with God, with ourselves or with others.

Session One (01/06/2011)

In the beginning, God created a song, a rhythm. Humanity existed in harmony with God, with ourselves and with each other. But then humankind settled for another song--a lesser one--and the rhythm started falling apart. Yet even then, God didn’t walk away, and because of that, we have a way to restore the rhythm with Him, with ourselves and with others.

Session One Parent Cue: The first week of the Rhythm series is designed to help students understand that in the beginning, God established a rhythm. They will unpack the story of creation and the harmony that existed between Adam and God, Adam and nature, and Adam and Eve. They will entertain the idea that from the start, everything worked together in perfect harmony like a beautiful song. But then Adam and Eve made a choice that destroyed the song and threw the rhythm off. They will also look at God’s response to Adam’s sin, and they'll see that God continues to seek relationship with us even after things have fallen apart. Talk with your teen about how he or she sees the brokenness in the rhythm around them. Feel free to share your observations as well.

Session Two (01/13/2011)

If you’ve been in church for a while, you’ve heard it all and seen it all. You know the stories. You know the songs. You know the words. Many of us even think we know all about God. We think we have Him figured out. We think we know everything about Him, and in our lives, He’s very small. But the reality is that we will never fully grasp how awesome and amazing He is. We can spend a lifetime in awe and wonder, and even an eternity, because He’s that big . . . and that good.

Session Two Parent Cue: This second week, students will be challenged to look at God in new ways. Many times we find that we are so familiar with “churchy” descriptions of God that we forget who He really is. And when we forget who God is, how awesome and surprising He can be, then we are tempted to turn our attention and affection to other things and our lives fall out of tune. In week two students will be challenged to discover a God who is bigger than our attempts to define Him. Discuss with your teen ways that God has surprised you and your family with how big He is.

Session Three (01/20/2010)

You’ve heard the words before--“love your neighbor as yourself”--but most of the time we don’t really hear the second half of that. We don’t love ourselves. Perhaps it’s because it just seems wrong. After all, as followers of Christ, we are supposed to become less as He becomes more. But for some of us, somewhere along the way we’ve confused humility with self-hatred. God wants us to be in rhythm with ourselves because when we aren’t, it throws off the rest of the song.

Session Three Parent Cue: This week students will explore the things that create tension in their own self-perception and learn the ugly truth: Being in rhythm with ourselves and being in rhythm with God go hand in hand. How we view God our Creator affects how we view His creation, ourselves. They will consider the masks they wear and the faults they try to cover up, and they'll receive a challenge to begin to shed those masks and be at peace with who they really are. Talk openly and candidly with your student this week about the things both of you have a hard time accepting when it comes to the faults you see in yourself. How can you better accept yourselves as you are?

Session Four (01/27/2010)

No person can have a life of rhythm unless he or she is at peace with other people. That’s easy to say but hard to live, isn’t it? But following Jesus means being passionate about what He is passionate about--and Jesus is passionate about people. So if we want to be in rhythm, we not only have to be in sync with God and ourselves, we also have to be in sync with others.

Session Four Parent Cue: No person can have a life in rhythm if they are not at peace with the people around them. In the final week of this series students will be challenged to be in rhythm with others, to be passionate about serving those they encounter and to seek forgiveness and reconciliation when needed. How can you work at making this a regular practice in your family?

ANNOUNCEMENTS:

Winter Camp Sign ups are done. Remember the full balance is due by Thursday, January 27th.

CARWASH FUNDRAISER: Saturday, January 22. 8-12 a.m. Presell tickets to earn money toward Winter Camp, Gleanings or Mexico. Pick up your tickets Thursday or Sunday at Church!

'Tis The Season _ Part 2

Here is a good reminder I came across for all of us parents as to the best gift we can give to our kids this season.

Make sure to read below for announcements.

Christmas Time

By Tim Walker

My mom called today. She needs the “Christmas list” from all three of my boys by tomorrow. She would have preferred to have had the list a month ago to avoid the holiday shopping chaos, but we slacked off. Actually since the Sears Christmas book is no longer in production, it makes the whole Christmas list idea a lot more complicated. Hopefully some of you know what I’m talking about.

I think she’s going to find a few surprises on that list, mostly coming from my middle schooler. Everything on his list is electronic—and expensive. On Christmas Eve, when we gather at my parent’s home to celebrate the holidays, he is the one who may be surprised. I’m not sure if I’m going to hit the mark on anything on his list this year either, but I have been thinking a lot about what I want to give my boys this Christmas.

I don’t want to buy them another video game that they’ll play for two weeks, beat every level, and then trade in for half the price I paid. I don’t want to buy another Lego set that will be assembled then sit on their dresser for months. So what can I give them that will last?

I have an idea—what if I gave them each time? What if I gave them each six days, anytime during this year, in which they each could choose what they want to want to do with mom, dad, or both of us. No siblings. Just one-on-one time.

The opportunities to spend time with them individually are hard to come by. But this year, I want to be more intentional about it. As a dad, I can sense that my boys really want that, but it never seems to just happen, does it? There’s always something on the schedule, something left to be done from the workday, some event. I don’t need to go on any further. I know you get this.

So this year, among the presents I will give my sons will be a small coupon book, filled with coupons that can be redeemed for just a day with dad, or just a day with mom, or just a day with both mom and dad. No other siblings are allowed.

I know, it seems kind of cheesy. But this year, I am going to be intentional about pursuing relationship with my boys. I know they may forget about the coupons, so at first, I may need to redeem them until they get how this works and see that this isn’t just a lame cop-out for a gift.

I’ve got to prove to them that my desire to spend time with each of them is more than just words or an empty promise. I get that. And in a way, I want to prove it to myself too. My heart’s desire is to stay connected with my kids. If this coupon serves as a tool to do it, then great. If it doesn’t, then I’ll find another way.

But that’s what I want this Christmas, and whether my kids would put it on their wish list or not, I think it’s what they really want as well.

© 2010 Orange. All rights reserved.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

ANNOUNCEMENTS:

THIS THURSDAY: December 16th we are doing a WHITE ELEPHANT gift exchange. So have your students bring something fun from around the house to exchange! Also, bring a snack to share.

NO GROUP on Thursday December 23rd or Thursday December 30th for the Christmas holidays, have a great holidays with your children and we'll start again on Thursday January 6th.

Winter Camp: Just a reminder we're going to Winter Camp February 11-13 at Hartland Christian Camp. Total cost is $132 - a $30 deposit is due by December 23.

Winter Camp 2011

February 11-13

Cost: $132
Deposit: $30 due by December 23
Remaining Balance: $102 by January 28

Leave @ 12:00 p.m. on Friday, February 11
Return @ 6:00 p.m on Sunday, February 13

Sign up ASAP!

'Tis the Season

Head's up!!! We will not be having youth group this Thursday, November 25 because it is Thanksgiving. We do hope to see everyone at the Thanksgiving dinner at 10:00 a.m. to serve our community though!

Starting the next week, December 2, we'll be diving into a new series called 'Tis the Season in which we'll be looking at how Jesus came to bring us Faith, Hope, and Love. These are also a part of our church's mission statement which is to be "A community of Christ followers extending the faith, hope, and love of Jesus Christ."

WHAT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT:

Here is an overview of what we’re talking about. Listed below the summary is a “parent cue” to help you dialog with your child about the session. The question is intended not just to be asked by you, but to be responded to by BOTH of you. Use this opportunity to find out what God is teaching your child, and allow your child to see what God is teaching you as well.

TIS THE SEASON:

Series Overview

This Christmas, probably more than any other in recent years, we are hoping that life will get better. We are hoping that life will look differently next year, even if we’re not sure how. We realize that no one person or institution holds a solution, but we’re expecting something different, even if we’re not sure how that is going to work out. Words like hope, peace and love have a new meaning this year, don’t they? We’re waiting to have hope, peace and love in our lives, in our communities, in our world. Even if we’re not sure how it will all work out. And just like thousands of years ago, Jesus is the one who came to bring hope, peace and love to our lives then . . . and now. Jesus taught us how to find hope, bring peace and initiate love even when our circumstances are less than ideal.

Session One: Hope (12/2)

Christmas is a time filled with great expectations. (Just ask Clark Griswald.) We expect snow to fall on Christmas morning. We expect that Martha Stewart-esque gathering. We expect a gift from that special someone. And for many of us, we expect our lives to look a certain way. But what happens when life doesn’t meet our expectations? How can we have hope in something bigger than what we want or dream? And how can that hope in something bigger really affect our lives—for the better?

Session One Parent Cue: What are some of our family’s expectations around the holidays? Are they usually met or not?

Session Two: Peace (12/9)

Why is it that Christmas is one of the least peaceful times of the year? Whether it’s the long lines at the stores or the stress of even how to make the holidays happen in this economy, Christmas can easily become something we just want to get through and survive. But peace, true peace, has little to do with what is going on around us. In fact, Jesus came to bring peace to our lives in a way that defies logic, and He also invites us to participate with Him in bringing peace to those around us as well.

Session Two Parent Cue: What makes the holidays not peaceful? What can we do to be intentional about creating “peace” in our home?

Session Three: Love (12/16)

Love is a word that we hear a lot. People love Christmas time. People love carols. People love casseroles, cookies and candy canes. But when it comes to loving other people, sometimes we are all talk. The word “love” is easy for us to say, but really hard to back up with action. Sometimes loving other people is hard, whether that person is within our family, or living half way around the world. It’s why we needed an example, a living breathing visual for what love in action looks like—and that’s the heart of the Christmas story.

Session Three Parent Cue: When it comes to loving other people, what is your biggest obstacle? What can be done to remove that obstacle?

ANNOUNCEMENT:

We are planning on going to Winter Camp at Hartland Camps in the Sequoia National Park February 11-13 2011! We need to begin to take sign ups. The Cost will be $150 - all inclusive for the weekend. We'll begin taking sign ups right after Thanksgiving with a $30 deposit needed to lock in your spot.

RESPOND:

Comment on this post and let me know: Would your child attend youth group on Thursday December 23 or should we cancel group that week? What is your opinion?